Kendra – California
“I’m single”. These are the two words that kept replaying over and over again in my mind during the pandemic. These words aren’t new to me in any sense. I have been single all my life. Some may find it remarkable that at 29-years-old, I’ve never managed to have a boyfriend or any sort of long-term relationship. To me, it was crippling. Before the lockdown, I was what you’d call a “social butterfly”. My weekends were filled to the brim from day to night with activities with friends. Whether it was a baby shower, engagement party, birthday party, wedding or any other sort of celebration, you can be sure that on weekends I was not going to be at home. Even my two cats, Kingston and Curry, were used to not seeing me. They figured as long as I fed them in the morning and cleaned their litter box at night, they were set.
My singleness has always bothered me for lack of a better word. Why wasn’t I being asked out on dates? Why wasn’t I getting matches on dating apps? Why weren’t men interested in me? These thoughts subsided, though, during my weekend activities when all I could think of was how far away the next event was. But when lockdown came, it was amplified.
It was an incredibly lonely time for me. We didn’t know much about the virus and how quickly it spread. As I was curled away alone in my 725 sq. foot LA apartment, all I could think of was “But wait, God! The world can’t end yet because I’m still single!”. I thought I had known true loneliness before the pandemic with my constant solo wedding attendings, but the feelings of loneliness I got during the pandemic didn’t even come close. I wanted to be held, I wanted to be comforted, I wanted someone to reassure me that it was all going to be okay.
But that didn’t come. Instead, I got angry. I constantly thought “why do I have to go through this alone”. Instead, I was sad. Everyone else had a quarantine buddy. Instead, I got frustrated. I swear, if I had to hear another person complain about how their significant other was driving them crazy during lockdown, I would’ve burned an entire building down. It was frustration that came from envy. I would have loved to have been annoyed by someone during lockdown. I got the constant clamoring’s of people saying “well at least you have cats”. I can’t remember the last time cats were known to be substitutes for human connection. They weren’t for me anyways. I needed to touch another human being. Skin hunger was setting in deep and I longed for a hug.
On June 15th, 2021, Los Angeles opened back up. Shops are open, restaurants, museums. It’s as if nothing happened. I’m grateful to be vaccinated and to have been able to see friends. I’ve been hugging people a lot and a part of me never wants to let them go. I wouldn’t wish the feelings of isolation and loneliness I felt during lockdown on my worst enemy. I would have much rather been quarantined with them. Hug the people you love a little tighter today for me.
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