In the End – Fourth Post in A Series

Bright flowers against a dark background
Flowers at Gardens by the Bay, Singapore

Our son, Tommy, and his bride-to-be, Stephanie, planned a festive wedding for May, 2020.

Heidi and I sat in Singapore during the early months of 2020, strategizing how to get back to China, how to get to the U.S. for a May wedding, how to manage what at one point looked like a potential 6 weeks of nearly continuous quarantine. (China-U.S.-China. Even if the U.S. wasn’t mandating quarantine, who at that time wanted to be seated next to the people who were just in China three days ago? Cue the whispers and pointing.)

There were a few days when it looked like Heidi might not be able to attend, but our school director was great: “It’s your son’s wedding. You have to go. You can work remotely if necessary.” As our return date to China continued to evolve, we would alter our plans, change our thinking, always pointing toward attending the wedding in May. We even had dress clothes tailored, in case we couldn’t return to China before the wedding and flew directly from Singapore.

In the end, there was no big wedding in May, postponed by COVID. The official decision was made the day after we picked up our newly-tailored wedding clothes. We listened to the kids express their disappointment and grief.

In the end, they actually got married earlier, in mid-April, at a small ceremony in a Presbyterian church where they occasionally sang with the choir. Stephanie’s parents were present, so they had family, plus two good friends and the church’s pastor. Perhaps another 100 people attended via Zoom, including Heidi and me, sitting on our bed at 2:00am in Singapore. They pushed the wedding forward rather than back for the very American reason of getting Stephanie onto Tommy’s health insurance, no small bit during a budding pandemic.

In the end, their wedding venue rescheduled the event for September 2020, expecting normalcy to return by then. When that wasn’t possible, the venue offered September 18, 2021, take it or leave it. Tommy and Stephanie still wanted to affirm their marriage with a public ceremony and celebrate with family and friends, so they took it. With Heidi’s new job in Bangkok and Thailand’s quarantine requirements, it wouldn’t be possible for her to attend. After all the efforts and revised plans to insure we would both be there for the original date, with the desire to support the kids and share in their joy, there was quiet grieving over this. I would remain in the States through the celebration, then join Heidi in Thailand.

By late July, Thailand cancelled all internal air travel amidst a massive spike in cases driven by the Delta variant. Heidi and I wondered whether closing the borders might be next, and decided that the risk of being stuck apart for many months – or even longer – was too great. I contacted the kids, moved my flights forward, and began processing my Thai visa.

In the end, we attended the 2020 wedding by Zoom and now both intended to do the same with the 2021 celebration.

In the end, the signal from the venue was bad, and we saw almost none of it. We did meet Stephanie’s grandparents, aunt, and uncle on the feed, making a virtual connection as if we were encountering them at the reception. They were delightful, and it provided a counter-point to our frustration and grief.

In the end, Thailand never did close the border.

In the end, all plans we made to be present for Tommy and Stephanie foundered under the challenges posed by the pandemic. In the end, celebrations, gatherings, reunions, weddings and funerals, plans of all sizes and shapes have been cancelled, postponed, or modified. Few have been immune. Few have been spared the disruption and grief. Whatever differences we have, so many of us hold this in common.